Mother

Planting seeds for the shade of trees we will never experience

I once found myself completely alone in the world,

I was a young woman left to the wolves to fend for herself,

trying to convince myself it was healthy not to depend on anyone.

But loneliness is so widespread because we don’t thrive in isolation.

I learnt this the hard way.

I became everything I needed,

and it cost me my heart.

When I finally realised this,

I made my way back,

and that’s what attracted my soulmate.

No longer alone,

a deep love we created,

a dream beyond my wildest imagination,

but still,

I felt that emptiness,

and I made it wrong.

Underneath it was an authentic longing.

Our next step - family.

This path only deepened our connection,

with ourselves and each other,

the perfect time to make a baby together.

When he arrived,

I felt my heart expand,

to a deeper depth than it ever had.

I feel so full of love,

so deeply fulfilled,

but as I sit here on the kitchen floor,

watching him play with my keys,

the sadness creeps in.

I feel the deepest agony of what is still missing.

It’s village.

Cracked open by unfiltered reality, there aren’t many who see it.

When I pick up my phone I’m reaching for it,

that connection,

but it pales in comparison to real face-to-face conversation.

My baby plays with toys and kitchen utensils because there’s no one else to interact with.

I tried mum group, but they all went back to work.

I tried playgroup, but there were no kids his age.

When my mum came to stay it was great,

but normally she lives so far away.

When the house is clean, and I’ve cooked everything,

there’s all this empty space that would have been filled in earlier days.

By something wholesome, rightful, and deeply needed.

Without it,

life is apocalyptic feeling.

A pain that’s so hard to sit with,

our desensitisation to it is what enabled the way we currently live.

I’m not okay,

and deep down I don’t think anyone else is either.

Our busyness hides it,

but it’s always there waiting.

Some days I wonder what the point of any of this is,

not life itself,

but life in this vacuum.

We aren’t supposed to live this way.

But I will always keep showing up for myself, and my family,

and for the future most importantly,

for God is at work through me.

As I witness myself in my grief,

waiting for the world to catch up with me,

I focus on the positives,

and there are so many.

I focus on what I can control,

so that one day when it does,

maybe in generations to come,

things will finally change.

Maybe we can never go back to our ancestor’s ways,

before we were tainted by this civilisation,

but we can create a new and maybe even better version of it one day.

That’s why I’m here.

Planting seeds for the shade of trees I will never experience.

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Article Artwork - watercolour by Ashleigh Sheddick

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