And when we are stripped bare, I mean truly stripped bare, we get in touch with what is really important.

What life is really about.

Have you ever heard of “The Island with Bear Grylls”?

This show is a great example of being stripped bare.

A group of everyday people are dropped off on an island for a month and have to try and survive til the end.

Quickly, you see everyone come together, someone normally takes the lead, and then the group orients collectively as one mind, with one goal to survive.

They form their own Village.

You’ll see that, naturally, people want to contribute. They think of themselves and they also think of others. They realise that they are stronger together than alone.

In fact there were a few examples where relational ruptures caused an islander or two to isolate or break off from the group, but they soon came back because they realised they weren’t able to survive on their own. Instead, they repaired things and moved forward.

They share with each other, they lean on their strengths, they are honest, they care for each other and develop real deep bonds.

By the end they start moving out of survival and toward thriving even in the harsh conditions - laughing, connecting, and having a great time together.

They leave the island transformed, they have epiphanies, all things they take back home with them as valuable lessons.

But here is where it gets interesting.

As a social experiment on a different season, Bear Grylls introduces money drops on the island.

Straight away, you see a fracture form.

Now the “one mind” that supports the group’s survival as a whole, competes with “individualism”. Intentions clash.

People now have the distraction of money on their minds, and it funnels energy away from the survival of the group in the present moment, toward individual aims in the future.

The impact is felt.

This is where we start seeing corruption enter the tribe - lying, manipulation, greed and self-centredness.

At one point, the three strongest men even considered leaving the tribe of women and elderly folk as it would have been easier to survive without them, make it til the end, and then take home all the money they found.

But one young man was in touch with his heart over his head, his role as provider and protector, and he led everyone back to camp. They even shared some later money finds with those less abled.

It was a heartwarming thing to watch.

But the group later begins to fracture again when earlier deceit is uncovered and people feel deeply wounded by the actions of those they were building bonds with.

The individual mindset starts seeping in beyond just money, but with resources too, some finding food and eating it before they went back to camp to avoid sharing. Something that never happened when money hadn’t entered the system.

I felt so sad watching this.

It represents what has happened to the Western World and the cataclysmic impact it has had on everyone, especially on mothers and the family unit, which is the focus of Mother Missionary - a charity my best friend and I have started.

Most of us haven’t been stripped bare yet.

We are still oriented toward individualistic aims because we know no different. We can’t see the negative impact it has on us and everyone around us because it’s normalised.

We have replaced connection with nature, God, and others, with cultural conditioning that blinds us to each other and what’s important, leaves us wounded, and orients us towards goals that serve only ourselves or unintentionally further our degraded “cultural machine”.

It has become the norm to operate as little individual islands that bump into each other on occasion.

As a result, most of us haven’t transcended survival mode (fight or flight), and we don’t realise it because we haven’t ever experienced anything different. We haven’t realised how much we truly do need each other if we want to thrive instead of just survive.

This state of our world leaves many post-partum mothers drowning & disillusioned upon entering into Motherhood. Descending into survival mode, auto-pilot, isolation, exhaustion, depletion, even depression and anxiety. It leaves them with only themselves to draw on, their husbands if they are blessed, maybe some grandparents if they are lucky.

But it’s never enough to truly thrive like God intended, or to parent to the standard that all parents desire, and could achieve if the supportive ecosystem were present.

Because the family unit, the thriving of the next generation, and the tribe as a collective is no longer the focus. Instead our world is set up to divide us and foster self-focused individualism, leaving very little left to give even if we were to offer support to others around us.

When you look at the world, you see the impact.

It reflects the dysfunction of our culture.

It’s no Garden of Eden is it?

But there is a movement in the air…

Those sensitive enough to feel it can, and are moving towards it.

There is a movement away from individualism back to the collective way of life, but from a truly holy, healthy, healing place.

One that is transcending generational curses, and passing on generational blessings.

The uniting thread is God.

Not through dogma of the mind, but direct relationship from the heart.

And when we unite in this way, through this shared consciousness, oriented towards the highest good of all concerned, in honour of Gods will instead of our own, suddenly our values and goals change, and they begin matching up with each other’s.

A new kind of ecosystem begins forming.

A new future becomes possible.

Survival mode starts being transcended.

Healing and transformation occurs.

Deep connection is rekindled.

The family unit strengthens. It expands. Human resources begin to appear to sustain new life entering the system, without collapsing.

This is what we are moving towards…

Based on our own experiences in motherhood, my best friend and I started Mother Missionary to support this very movement.

A movement that plants the seeds of our lost Village amongst our local communities.

A movement that connects younger women and old alike, who may be feeling isolated or lacking a sense of purpose, with vulnerable post-partum mothers and grieving families who need support.

If you’re feeling inspired by this mission and want to get involved, we are looking for fellow Villagers (volunteers) to join us.

Join our Mission

Credit: This article has been reposted from our Mother Missionary Blog

Thumbnail Photo Credit: @createwithfrankie on IG

the rebellious independence,

a culture of hookups and polyamory,

the decline in birth rates,

the normalisation of broken families…

Is that we’ve lost all memory of loving

from a full and overflowing heart.

We engage with one another,

unknowingly to ourselves,

from a place of transaction,

the place of a broken heart.

We do loving actions so that we may receive.

Even though we have no idea how.

We give because we feel guilty,

and we don’t like how that feels.

We demand and then abandon

when our entitlement isn’t met.

When someone stops making us feel good,

our first response is to split.

We project perfection,

until they make a mistake,

they are off the pedestal now,

with no compassion to be had -

not even for ourselves.

We take care of them so they will take care of us,

but when they don’t,

resentment builds.

We have never learned to love from a full heart without strings.

But we are remembering now.

And seeing that it starts with us first.

Before we take a loving action,

we ask ourselves,

where is this coming from?

A place of anxiety or guilt?

Of trying to fix them so we don’t have to feel?

A place of grasping or clinging,

a place of “I actually need to receive”

but I just don’t know how?

And in that moment, we hold space for ourselves.

To feel the feelings,

to tend to or express our own needs.

Re-orienting ourselves from the right place,

of loving without attachment to outcome.

Giving freely,

from a place of knowing we are worthy,

even if we don’t feel it in that moment.

And with this shift,

our once loveless world begins to reorient with us.

With every truly loving action rippling out and touching the entire world…

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Many Women in the thread revealed a shared sentiment about Men being that most of them are unfaithful disgusting human beings and there’s no changing their nature - as one Woman put it.

All I feel is sadness and compassion in response, and a desire to share a gift with her and anyone else of that sentiment who might have just enough openness to receive it…

This is what trauma does.

When we witness or experience extremely upsetting things and don’t know how to process them, we then make it mean something, in this case “Most Men are bad”.

It’s easy to see how Women can come to this belief.

Women experience truly heartbreaking, even disturbing things within their relationships and the current dating hellscape.

The unfortunate thing is though, when we internalise such a belief about Men, it then influences how we show up in the world and locks us into that hellish reality tunnel - making it appear that it’s “all there is”.

The “Feminine” is magnetic….We attract whatever our beliefs are. And if those beliefs are fueled by trauma then what we get is more trauma.

I’ve lived it, and I’ve transcended it.

In my early 20’s I consistently attracted the darker side of Men and it broke me. I remember my rock bottom being face down in my own vomit on my bedroom floor after drinking half a bottle of Jager.

I seriously wondered was this just the way Men were? Are there any good ones? I nearly bought into that reality, gave up on love entirely and let it harden my heart.

I didn’t want to be here anymore….

But the only option I had was to either accept that hellish reality and harden my heart to survive in it, or leave no stone unturned in the pursuit of real healthy love - not the toxicity I saw all around me…I didn’t want any more of that.

I didn’t know if it existed, I had never seen it, but I could feel a thread of hope in my heart pulling me to find out.

And with that came my first gut wrenching epiphany.

What if I am the common denominator?

What if most Men aren’t bad but something about me is magnetizing the ones who are? Or what if I was bringing out the worst in Men who do have good in them?

I realised that was the case BUT I did not blame myself for it. It was innocent on my part through lack of awareness and just naïve ignorance. I had compassion for myself. It was NOT my fault, it was just that I was l the only one who could do something to about it.

I didn’t know what that something was, but I knew I had to figure that out.

I felt empowered by this realisation, but also terrified.

Because like the Women who shared this cynical sentiment about Men, I carried a DEEP well of pain in my heart that I locked down tight.

Rather than staying committed to protecting that pain and that reality tunnel, I chose to commit to my highest good instead, whatever that was (I knew it wasn’t being mistreated by Men and accepting that’s all there is or rejecting love completely) - a true act of self-worth and courage which I hope to inspire all Women to take.

It is understandably a terrifying path to walk because it is an “unknown”, it means gradually dismantling that fortress of protection around our hearts and starting to FEEL again, and opening up to the possibility of more hurt which sometimes feels like we could not survive anymore of it…

But the thing is, such a powerful act of self-worth sets in motion a positive upward spiral…It starts changing your magnetism and opening doors that were once closed.

Behind one of these doors I found a Man who is now my Husband and Father of my child. I started showing up differently after my realization, which opened up a new world of experience that challenged my old beliefs about Men. And he showed up.

When we first met, we created pure chaos and more hurt….but we realised it was because we both had no idea how to create a healthy relationship, and instead our wounds ran the show.

Once we realised this, we both worked together to heal, grow and learn the skills to cultivate a truly healthy and deep connection. We repaired broken trust, and co-created a totally different reality than before.

It’s beautiful.

And it’s available to everyone.

It’s just a grueling process to get there and involves facing a lot of suppressed pain, and changing how we show up in honour of our own highest good, and in honour of our partner’s.

It’s the most worthwhile thing I have ever done.

And just incase your Shadow is about to try and steal this gift I am trying to give you - No, finding the great Man who I now call my Husband was not luck. I did this. We did this.

And you can too. You don’t need to take my word for it, go see for yourself.

This is your call to adventure. I encourage you to think deeply about it before turning away…

Life only gives you so many.

May you be blessed.

When we realise that the Medical system and Free Birth Communities both want the same thing - to protect both Mother and Baby - then we can talk.

And we need to.

Because currently, fear and trauma are clouding decisions for both sides.

On one hand, we have Medical Professionals working in a system that is built around fear of the unthinkable happening (understandably so), but its solution has been to control pregnancy and the birth process with numerous interventions that the Free Birth Community can see are creating many of the problems they are trying to solve.

So now the Free Birth Community are terrified of the medical system and seek to become their own authority birthing at home unassisted. Yes, they avoid the risks caused by the cascade of intervention, but many Women are out of their depth and not going to the hospital when they actually need to.

We need to move from either end of this spectrum to meet in the grounded middle which seeks to align with the highest good of Mother and Baby.

What my prayer for humanity is, is for a trailblazer (free from the influence of fear and trauma) to come in and facilitate a conversation between the “two parties” in service to this ultimate shared goal - protect Women and Babies, while seeking to avoid inflicting emotional trauma.

We need to sit down and revisit the actual literature (it is my belief that some of it has been ignored or wrongfully dismissed), review anecdotal evidence from real Women, and really come to an agreement about what is an actual emergency and cause for intervention, what isn’t, and what kinds of intervention are actually warranted in those genuine cases.

Both sides aren’t seeing it clearly. The waters are muddy.

We then need to come up with options to support Women to birth however they want to, whether in the hospital, in a birth centre or at home, with easy access to trustworthy support, and the clarity (based on a fresh grounded consensus) to know when that support is truly needed.

We need to rebuild trust between the medical system and Women who have been traumatised by it so that we can have the best of both worlds - utilise the gift of Western medicine in cases of genuine emergency, allow Women to experience birth free from trauma, and even get to experience the true magic of birthing the way nature intended if they are ready for it.

I pray for pure-intentioned, grounded individuals, with influence, money, open minds and hearts, to come together and help us begin the necessary reform and healing of so broken-hearted Mothers, one baby step at a time.

I have faith we can do it but it will take time, humility, and parking the fear, blame and negative projections.

Sincerely, a Free Birther who got to experience the magic of free birth and the magic of life-saving medical intervention WITH a deep desire to free birth again, but with more ease, peace of mind, less fear and no resistance from the system throughout my pregnancy/birth/post-partum journey next time should I need to engage with it.

Thank you for reading.

If you’d like to read my personal Free Birth Story, click here.

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or “we don’t have anything in common anymore”.

When we let friendships fade instead of expressing what’s on our heart.

When we “outgrow them” and move on to the next one.

When we are in it for “something” or anything.

I know, because I’ve both done it and been on the receiving end.

I went back and apologised to them,

and I grieved the heartache of all my lost friends,

who left without explanation,

revealing that commodification will never create lasting connection.

What I long for is the friendship I now give to be reciprocated.

Which is,

“I see who are you deep down”.

and “I love you”.

Even when you have nothing to give me but your company.

Even when you’re showing up messy,

and we have nothing left in common,

but the souls within us,

that connect us both to God.

You have my compassion,

and my understanding.

You’re more than what you can give me.

You are my village.

You make life worth living.

We can be on different paths that weave side by side.

We can be honest, and kind.

We can think of each other,

and be selfish sometimes.

We can make mistakes and learn from them.

We can feel uncomfortable feelings instead of avoiding each other.

We can take responsibility,

I’ll show you how.

Just do your best,

and I’ll do mine.

Then we’ll have the kind of friendship that’ll last a lifetime.

If my writing has touched you and you’d like to let me know, click here to buy me a coffee :)

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First of all, this is something most of us find challenging.

Why?

One of many reasons is that deep down in a Mother’s heart lives the desire to show up the best she can for her children and lay the foundation for them to thrive throughout their lives.

It’s a huge responsibility and a labour of love, making it easy to over-extend ourselves in its pursuit and difficult to master the balance between attuning to them and attuning to ourselves.

The best way I have found to navigate this is to realise that I can do a better job at Mothering when I stay attuned to myself and my needs - ie. when I stay open to meeting & receiving my needs. The nature of the feminine and the source of our radiant nurturing warmth comes from the ability to “receive” energy (eg. the meeting of our rightful needs & desires by ourselves, others, and God), amplify it, and circulate the overflow throughout the family and home.

Therefore, filling my cup not only serves my highest good, but it serves the highest good of my family. If I am struggling with this, I take a moment to remember that just like my child, I am also worthy, important and I matter. When we can embody this about ourselves, we can be certain that we are transmitting this same message for them to embody about themselves too.

Another reason, and probably the biggest one as to why we find it hard to fill our cups is that somewhere along the way, we have been instilled with a story that “we should be able to do it all alone”.

This could not be further from the truth. I have heard so many of the older generations perpetuate this story by saying things like “I did it all on my own, so you can too” while withdrawing their helping hands.

At large, I see this narrative about “doing it all on our own” coming from the cultural blueprint we’ve all been given for 50/50 relationships which appoints career as the most important thing for both sexes, with mothering not getting much of a mention. The differentiation between Men and Women, our biology, our gifts and our nature is left out. This is an energetically unsustainable and inverted way of being “in relationship” that leaves both Men and Women depleted, uninspired, resentful, and blinded to the value of and load of Mothering. All of this takes Mothers out of receiving mode, and puts them into an unsustainable self-sourced giving mode destined for soul-level exhaustion from lack of adequate support because we don’t think it’s okay to receive it.

So please take this as permission to identify these narratives as false, and let me share with you the very tender truth I have come to discover.

It is a truth that has left me with so much grief to move through.

We were never meant to do this job alone.

We have lost our tribe.

It happened so long ago that we have forgotten and now think that the way things are is the way they have always been and are meant to be - that if we are struggling with Motherhood, it’s a “me” problem, rather than a problem with the way the world currently operates.

I would like to paint you a picture of the world we were designed for. I don’t know if we can ever return to it, but I do have an idea for a modern equivalent that might be more achievable.

As Mothers, we are planting the seeds for this future every time we show up in alignment with honouring our children’s highest good, and also our own - with our best and often messy efforts.

There was a time when Men were the protectors, providers and leaders of their families and tribes. They enabled our survival and provided the foundation for us to thrive. Women deeply respected and revered Men, and Men were devoted to Women/family and serving their highest good.

The Women and children stayed together at “home” in the village while the Men spent their time providing (eg. hunting, building, problem-solving, protecting, etc). There were so many of us together - Grandmothers, Grandfathers, Mothers, Sisters, children, and our babies. As Mothers, we were never isolated or had to “push through” on auto-pilot with empty cups because we had no support or space for our needs.

We were the primary caregivers of our young, but cared about each other’s children as if they were our own, all invested in ourselves and each other’s thriving. We were always surrounded by helping hands and multiple people for our children to safely attach to and have their needs met by. We cooked together. We ate together. We connected with each other while our babies and children interacted and played. We were there to witness each other and pass on currents of wisdom necessary for Motherhood.

In this long-lost world, before all of the Western conditioning and trauma took root, we had a beautiful flow of give and take. There was harmony within the family and tribe. And when there wasn’t, given that we are humans and we make mistakes, we received love, compassion, understanding, and mutual repair. Being so close to nature, shared values & goals were also a given and served as the foundation for the tribe’s unity.

Life clearly isn’t like that now.

We have lost the backbone of village. Dare I say we don’t even have much of a modern equivalent.

A modern equivalent, if we were to move toward one, could look like families living in the same suburbs instead of miles away. Grandparents being willing, able, and excited to show up to support the thriving of both Mother, Father and children - a source of purpose for them in their older years.

Instead of such a huge reliance on toys or TV, cousins lived close by and were a source of consistent play and connection for our young ones as they explore the world together.

Although idealistic, it’s at least something we can plant seeds to water over the coming generations.

When we do our best to take care of our own health now, work on cultivating healthy relationships & communication, take self-responsibility, and allow our Men to secure our financial futures, we will one day be grandparents ourselves in better physical, financial and mental shape, with the relational skills to foster harmonious family villages that people want to be part of, instead of the fragmentation we see amongst families now. A village where everyone matters and is cared for. No one is forgotten.

Currently, the reality many Mothers experience is a constant state of scarcity of time, energy and resources, through no fault of their own.

And, in many cases, the trauma and conditioning of this world has caused many Women to lose the support of their Husbands too, perpetuating this cycle of empty cups & fragmented families.

So, what can we do, without the support of the village, to try and fill our cups?

First and foremost, we need to acknowledge this huge loss, and give ourselves a massive pat on the back for showing up the best we can each day to do God’s work raising the next generation in these conditions. Even if we only do slightly better than our parents did (which I think every parent is compassionately aiming for and succeeding at), this is plenty to keep us moving up and out of this pit and into a better future for ourselves and the next generations. We deserve compassion, so do our parents, along with the utmost grace, and oodles of self-forgiveness for any perceived shortcomings. Parenting is not easy, especially at this time in history. We will have messy moments, days and even seasons.

So with this perspective, I would love to share with you some of the ways in which I cultivate space to fill my cup, along with some underlying principles I have discovered to support this overall movement toward thriving as a Woman, Wife and Mother despite not having a village!

(Please keep in mind I am speaking from the perspective of a stay-at-home Mother with one child who is 15 months old. There will be extra sets of challenges/benefits with more than one child and differing needs depending on your baby’s age. Therefore, not everything here will apply to you, but it may spark some ideas!)

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Tips for filling our cups as Mothers

• I use the habitshare app to set myself achievable daily self-care tasks which gives me a bonus dopamine hit when I tick them off. I have a range of things on there to tend to my emotional health (eg. journaling), physical health (eg. food & movement), and spiritual health (prayer & joy)! At some stage I will share the specific self-care exercises I do on my paid membership for other mothers to try!

• Whenever my son naps during the day, I use that time for me! The kinds of things I do to fill my cup are writing, scrapbooking, beekeeping, drinking a mocha out in the hammock while I unwind & self-regulate, or watch a heartwarming show/movie! I have a rule that I only nap when he naps if I am in the “red zone” or if it’s "that time of the month” and I would benefit from extra rest. I also made a rule that I am not allowed to do any housework or chores in that time! This part has worked out well because my son actually loves watching me cook & clean, so I include him in those things. He has even started tidying up his own toys and helping me which he just naturally started doing from watching me!

• Following on from this, before my son goes for a nap, I reflect on the following questions so that I can make the most of the free time I am about to receive (If I don’t have a plan I end up feeling overwhelmed by all the choices, waste it and feel more frustrated and depleted)
  - What do I need or desire right now?
  - What things could I do to support these needs?

• To support my dance between attuning to myself and attuning to him I also make use of the micro-moments throughout the day when he is happily playing by himself. I use these moments to cook, self-regulate, do some of my habitshare tasks, socialise (send messages or make calls) or just “be”.

• Following on from this last point, to cultivate these micro-moments of space when he is awake, I foster independent play. My son is my priority and I always make sure I am available for him when he needs me, but he doesn’t always need me now! When he does, I take time to fill his “Mum cup” which involves giving him my undivided presence, love, and support with initiating more play. After 5-20 minutes of this, he’s topped up and ready to go play on his own again. This can give me chunks of time to myself, anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes!

• When my son goes down for bed at night, I fill my cup by spending 1-2 hours with my husband before bed! When I feel loved, secure, supported and connected with him, I feel topped up! This is our time to connect, address any issues weighing on my chest and unwind with a home date night, card games, or TV.

• Lastly, to fill our cups we need to practice identifying when we need help, ask for it, and allow ourselves to receive it. I have gotten very good at this and have my husband, parents and in-laws I can ask for help when they are available. An example of what I might ask for is for them to take care of bub for an hour or two while I do my own thing. I am still around and available if needed but I’m normally not!

• Down the track, when we have a second baby and the resources for it, if bub’s grandparents aren’t available, an idea we had was to find a Nanny we align with who can be an extra set of hands for part of the day to help me with cooking, cleaning, and also tending to one baby as I tend to the other, or both if I need to catch up on sleep after a bad night, or just need a break to recharge. Having grandparents babysit for a few hours here and there throughout the week might also be an idea, or even daycare if needed. I personally am not a fan of the daycare idea, but there is absolutely zero judgment for anyone who needs to use this service - I can see possible situations that if they were to crop up for us it could be necessary. We don’t live in a perfect world and have to do the best we can with what we have got to try to try and ensure everyone’s needs get met in the family.

• Lastly, I set my days up to “flow”. Which means I don’t put myself in a position where I feel overwhelmed or have to rush anywhere. I have some days just at home, and 2-3 days a week where I book a few playdates which is also good for my son, and this connection with other adults also fills my cup!

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Underlying Principles

• As within, so without. What this means is that when we make internal shifts, our reality will reflect it back to us. This is a powerful principle to apply to Motherhood because when we can fully acknowledge and embody the truth that we need and are worthy of support, without making ourselves wrong for it, and with it coming from a place of vulnerability not entitlement, more support will start to show up in our lives from those around us. Taking this even further, when we fully acknowledge & embody the value of our roles as Mothers, others will start recognising and valuing what we do as well. They will start seeing how challenging it is and show up for us more.

• The Masculine instinct wants to protect, provide and devote but we have been conditioned to extinguish it. Following on from the first point, we can learn to ask for help. This is something that has nuance to it. I mentioned earlier about 50/50 relationships. This is a dynamic which normally leads to an energetic where Women will “ask” for help in a way that is unintentionally demanding, entitled or bossy (leaving Men with no choice but to submit which dishonours his healthy masculine instinct or not help and just look like an insensitive ass) instead of asking from a vulnerable place detached from the outcome. The latter inspires Masculine support and devotion, the former repels it and creates a divide between couples.

  If you would like to understand Men better, yourself as a Woman, and improve your communication, I encourage you to become a paid member. When I have the interest, these are the topics I will be providing resources for

• Our “cups” are made up of physical, emotional and spiritual energy. If we want to unlock more energy within ourselves so that we can reach states of overflow instead of depletion, we need to tend to each one of these spheres. For me personally, I have daily tasks on my habitshare app that span across each area and are low effort & time, but maximal pay-off. Some of my habits focus on healthy eating, some physical movement, emotional self-holding & check-ins, creating space for joy, prayer, relationships/socialisation and working on my mindset.

There is so much more I could add and expand on, but I will keep it here for now. I hope that something here has sparked an idea or epiphany to help you fill your cup more!

May you be blessed on your Motherhood journey!

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I was a young woman left to the wolves to fend for herself,

trying to convince myself it was healthy not to depend on anyone.

But loneliness is so widespread because we don’t thrive in isolation.

I learnt this the hard way.

I became everything I needed,

and it cost me my heart.

When I finally realised this,

I made my way back,

and that’s what attracted my soulmate.

No longer alone,

a deep love we created,

a dream beyond my wildest imagination,

but still,

I felt that emptiness,

and I made it wrong.

Underneath it was an authentic longing.

Our next step - family.

This path only deepened our connection,

with ourselves and each other,

the perfect time to make a baby together.

When he arrived,

I felt my heart expand,

to a deeper depth than it ever had.

I feel so full of love,

so deeply fulfilled,

but as I sit here on the kitchen floor,

watching him play with my keys,

the sadness creeps in.

I feel the deepest agony of what is still missing.

It’s village.

Cracked open by unfiltered reality, there aren’t many who see it.

When I pick up my phone I’m reaching for it,

that connection,

but it pales in comparison to real face-to-face conversation.

My baby plays with toys and kitchen utensils because there’s no one else to interact with.

I tried mum group, but they all went back to work.

I tried playgroup, but there were no kids his age.

When my mum came to stay it was great,

but normally she lives so far away.

When the house is clean, and I’ve cooked everything,

there’s all this empty space that would have been filled in earlier days.

By something wholesome, rightful, and deeply needed.

Without it,

life is apocalyptic feeling.

A pain that’s so hard to sit with,

our desensitisation to it is what enabled the way we currently live.

I’m not okay,

and deep down I don’t think anyone else is either.

Our busyness hides it,

but it’s always there waiting.

Some days I wonder what the point of any of this is,

not life itself,

but life in this vacuum.

We aren’t supposed to live this way.

But I will always keep showing up for myself, and my family,

and for the future most importantly,

for God is at work through me.

As I witness myself in my grief,

waiting for the world to catch up with me,

I focus on the positives,

and there are so many.

I focus on what I can control,

so that one day when it does,

maybe in generations to come,

things will finally change.

Maybe we can never go back to our ancestor’s ways,

before we were tainted by this civilisation,

but we can create a new and maybe even better version of it one day.

That’s why I’m here.

Planting seeds for the shade of trees I will never experience.

Article Artwork - watercolour by Ashleigh Sheddick

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That to be healthy,

independence must be our number one goal.

But as above, so below.

Life can’t be created with her on her own;

it needs him for it to flow,

and it needs others to keep it going.

We are opposites here to unite as one.

Water can’t hold itself, it needs a cup.

Physically we can see it,

on every level of reality it also reflects,

and in doing so we become whole.

There are some things that are too big to hold alone.

Our need to be witnessed is rightful,

it used to be fulfilled by village.

Without each other, we are invisible.

Walking around like ghosts,

there is no healing.

We pay therapists to fill that role,

but we never seem to leave much better off.

They can’t replace our deep need to be held,

to belong,

to be looked straight in the soul,

to be cared for & loved without monetary exchange.

We need each other on our way back home,

as we slowly return to the way the world was,

before it was turned upside down.

As within, So without.

The first move is ours,

And out there it will reflect in turn.

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Although this appears to be a very left-of-field topic for me to write about, the underlying wisdom weaves beneath everything I express.

This image of Daniel in the Lion’s den speaks a thousand words about something called The Great Work and reveals esoteric wisdom that I have applied in my own life to transform every aspect of it and find my way back to God as a knowing, not belief - through direct experience. This is what I’ll be writing about in this article, and as I do, the question about how he survived will be answered.

The common interpretation of this biblical story is that God saved him from the lions. He believed in and honoured God even when it went against The Law, so God protected him. This is both true and not true.

Let me explain.

We cannot simply read the bible, choose to have faith in the God we have read about (as this interpretation implies), and expect miracles like this to happen, even if we are innocent like Daniel was. This level of faith just scratches the surface of what true faith and submission to God is and comes from a mental understanding based on a choice to trust in external information (religion and texts).

There is a place of faith and submission much deeper than this, which comes from a visceral, unshakeable, embodied knowing from within - from direct connection to God - something which can only be achieved through The Great Work, not through faith alone.

This is the kind of faith and submission that Daniel has embodied in this story, which afforded him such miracles. A state of full surrender and trust in God & “his” will - which unfortunately for him at that moment was to be thrown into a den of lions.

This experience would understandably send the everyday person into a state of extreme terror, causing them to either freeze, run (despite there being nowhere to run to) or puff themselves up in an attempt to scare (a bluff that every lion in that pride sees straight through) - all options energetically activate the Lions’ prey drive and instigate attack.

As a contrast to this, imagine you knew, not believed, that God existed. You knew that every single thing that happened in your life was in your highest good, and happened exactly as it was meant to happen, even if you didn’t always understand why in that moment. Imagine feeling protected by something far greater than you. Imagine experiencing such a deep trust in life, in God, that you enter that Lion’s den with no fear, having mastered your internal state, fully honouring this horrific human experience while not resisting it in any way shape or form. That you knew deep down that honouring the convictions that got you into that den was the correct thing to do, making the consequences fate (serving a higher purpose), and hence a burden able to be bared.

This is what Daniel is embodying. Energetically, it sends out a signal to these Lions. They sense he is not scared but that he also means no harm. There is nothing there to activate them into attack. Not even hunger itself could do so in the presence of such a powerful aura, centred in such conviction, faith and peace that they have not witnessed in any animal or human before. He is at one with God, with nature, and hence these lions, as their Master.

This. This level of surrender to “what is”, trust in and honour of God, cannot come from anything other than repeated direct personal experience with God. Not once. But God’s grace over and over again. Until God cannot be denied, for denying him would be like denying the sky is blue.

A state that can be achieved by anyone willing to make an austere lifelong commitment to The Great Work.

The Great Work put simply is making the unconscious conscious so that it can be integrated. This integration brings us back into contact with our divinity, our own spark of God, embodied in physical form. This level of integration re-aligns us with God’s will instead of the Will of our Shadow.

To fully understand this biblical story and the path to God, we have to understand Shadow Work. There are many modalities that work with the Shadow but I will just mention the easiest, quickest and most powerful framework I have experienced, in its simplest form as a starting point.

We all have what’s called a Shadow. It is the “self” created through conditioning (parental influence, societal rules, expectations & propaganda) and emotional wounds (unprocessed emotions and trauma) all of which veil this divine spark within.

Most people are not aware of their Shadow and have completely identified with it as who they are, losing complete contact with their divinity, with God. When this happens, it means the Shadow is deciding their direction in life. This is a problem because the Shadow’s desires are based on false perceptions of reality (conditioning & projections) and are normally pursued to avoid suffering - to protect us from having to face/feel the pain underneath.

I’ll share a personal example to explain what I mean.

A long time ago I was experiencing very unhealthy relationship patterns that left me continuously heartbroken. I almost let my Shadow convince me that staying single would be best for me. What was going on under the surface though was I was experiencing extreme emotional suffering that I didn’t have the ability to process at the time, nor the guidance or reference points to co-create healthier relationships, so my Shadow wanted to take over and protect me from ever experiencing this pain again by creating the narrative that it’s in my best interest to stay alone. This narrative, fueled by unprocessed emotions, would then cement in my unconscious and direct my life until it is brought into the light of my conscious awareness (out of my blind spot) so it can be processed and integrated, freeing me from that unhealthy cycle.

This is a stark contrast to being able to admit to oneself what is truly desired (which for me was to have a healthy relationship that would lead to a happy lifelong Marriage), to feeling the emotional anguish of not having it, along with feeling all the heartbreak I’ve suppressed, staying open to receiving this desire while also acting in alignment with the kinds of things that can support it coming to fruition. For me, this was to continue doing Shadow Work and finding new reference points & information to explore, apply, and see if it shifted my experience. Which of course it did - this journey has enabled me to live the life I live now of thriving in every area of life, with a healthy, strong Marriage as the foundation for my family AND when life isn’t going well, being able to navigate those challenges in ways that contribute to further growth and healing.

Now, I am going to share the simplest framework for Shadow Work for anyone who wants to explore it for themselves, and as I do, it will end up making further sense of this biblical story.

I have found it easiest to categorise the Shadow into three archetypes with simple explanations of how they show up in us when we aren’t aware (what I am about to share is semi-based on Karpmen’s work on the drama triangle but I have largely altered it based on my own work)

The Victim:

Self-isolation, negative thinking & rumination, withholds honest expression, energetically needy, excessive worry & anxiety, overthinking, inadequate, powerless or oppressed (victim mentality), self-neglect, struggles to trust others, uses guilt trips, lacks self-worth.

The Rescuer:

Terrified of being alone, externally focussed, sacrifices self for others causing deep resentment and burn out, “urge to merge”, poor boundaries, puts others on a pedestal, Mothers others, takes responsibility for things that are not his/hers, does things out of guilt or need to be needed.

The Persecutor:

Excessively independent, self-focused, emotionally unavailable to self and others, unrealistically high expectations of self and others, controlling, bossy, overtly or passively aggressive, entitled, overly critical and judgemental of others

Now, the thing about these 3 archetypes is that whenever we are operating from one of them, we are energetically inviting anyone we interact with to participate in what is called “The Drama Triangle”. Most people live within this cycle, cycling between each Archetype constantly.

Example: when you’re complaining in “Victim”, you’re either going to trigger your partner to compete with you about how bad off they are compared to you, Mother/Rescue you, or try to criticise you into action. If you pay attention you will know exactly what I mean. There are a million examples of these dynamics.

What this is showing is how our energy and actions are co-creating our experiences. There is a place beyond this Drama cycle that can be accessed (and eventually embodied), where there is no energetic “charge” there anymore to continue unconsciously baiting people into this cycle. This is the place Daniel has found his way to and embodied. So when he entered that Lion’s den, there was no energetic charge to activate their prey drive, instead signalling oneness and mastery to the pride.

So, how do we apply this framework I’ve given so we can begin healing & integrating our Shadow on the path back to who we really are, on our path back to God?

It begins with;

1. Humility & Self-compassion

2. Practice observing these Shadow thought patterns and behaviours in yourself, in the moment, without judging yourself

3. Getting curious when you notice them at play by reflecting on what you’re feeling, wanting or needing deep down

4. Use this new authentic insight about yourself to practice new ways of showing up free from Shadow instead of unconsciously reacting as you normally would - stopping the Drama cycle in its tracks, leaving space for what lies beyond to start shining through

This last part involves continual exploration of this question:

How might I show up differently than I usually do, in a way that is in alignment with my highest good, and the highest good of all concerned?

You won’t always know the answer but simply reflecting on this question will often provide insights.

What I have come to learn about this process is that if you are committed to it sincerely, the next step you must take will continue to reveal itself.

One of the next steps for me was realising these Archetypes can be further refined to include the differences between Men and Women, which will emerge naturally as you go. This is just a broad starting point.

For me, it involved a lot of sitting with my Shadow, learning to hold myself in the vulnerable feelings underneath so they could be released and no longer fuel my Shadow behaviours - all of which could only be done when I had the bottom rungs of my Maslows Heirarchy fulfilled, giving me the sense of safety and stability needed to begin such a challenging path.

My Husband and I dedicated one entire year to this work as a priority above all else, day in and day out, until the process became integrated into our daily lives like breathing. Every single aspect of our lives has profoundly transformed as a result and continues to do so as time goes on, and has enabled direct connection with God through experiences beyond our wildest imagination.

May all those who read this article be blessed.

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It was the same day my heart woke up.

At first I felt a little niggle,

and then I felt what I now know is God’s will.

Like a little thread tethered to my heart, tugging, and pulling me from where I was,

into a future I didn’t even know I longed for.

It was my son’s whispers calling me forward.

Rock bottom was the profound catalyst,

sparking a quest to Mother myself,

giving myself all the things I knew my future son would need.

An 8-year-long initiation preparing me for the Mother I would one day be.

Over time the longing for Motherhood became conscious,

and intentional became the healing journey I realised I was walking along.

Clearing my heart bit by bit,

first from my lifetime of grief,

and then from the generations before me.

Each tear shed made space in my heart for the LOVE he would need.

The unconditional kind that says;

I see you,

I hear you,

I am with you,

I will honour your highest good, even if it doesn’t feel good for me.

Even when it means more grief,

as I fall in love with each version of you while mourning each one you outgrew.

Love that builds your foundation,

but also gives you space,

The kind that sees the best in you even when you make mistakes.

A kind of love so pure you will one day seek in a wife.

The kind given abundantly,

without strings,

but with open arms always ready to receive.

The kind of love that makes possible the sacrifices of Mothering without village,

carving out new depths within,

I had no idea I was capable of.

This is what being a Mother means to me;

A lifelong journey of humility,

of healing,

of showing up for him, and for me,

of co-creating with my husband the kind of relationship I want him to aspire to,

and repairing any mistakes we will inevitably make as parents too.

Finally,

It is a journey of forgiveness.

Forgiving myself when I don’t live up,

doing my best and loving myself when I fall short,

doing this for me,

and realising this is what my own Mother also needs.

Mothers,

we co-create this world,

our wombs are the portals for souls who inhabit the bodies we grow,

This IS the most important work,

alongside the Men who co-create with us,

who make all life possible,

protect it with their lives,

and bear all survival for Mother & child to thrive.

There is nowhere I’d rather be,

nothing I’d rather be doing,

then being on this journey with my family.

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I have some wisdom & ideas to share that may support your recovery - it did for me!

First, it might help you to know that many Mums go through this to varying degrees.

When frequent wakes and getting insufficient sleep and/or poor quality sleep goes on long enough, our bodies go into a state of physiological distress.

Even if we logically know it will pass (which it will) and that we are going to be okay, our bodies are registering sleep deprivation as a survival situation just like they would in a situation where food is scarce for example.

Imagine what it would be like to try and sleep in a Zombie apocalypse. It wouldn’t be good! We’d wake up a lot and maintain a level of alertness because we feel unsafe to fall into a deep sleep. This is an extreme example, but our bodies respond the same regardless of the threat. Over time this stress response and lack of sleep erodes our physical, mental and emotional health, and can destabilise relationships. It’s a big deal.

So to get on the road to recovery, we need to support our bodies to feel safe again so we can maximise our sleep quality and quantity even during wakeful nights. This can then help us build back some internal resources to tackle our baby’s sleep challenges - that’s if we intuitively think it won’t pass on its own, which was the case for us.

How do we do that?

I have some ideas to share with you based on what helped me recover. I experienced an extreme case of sleep deprivation over 8 months and developed symptoms of psychosis - all of which have resolved now with improved sleep since implementing these things (and more - but this is a good start)

Not all of these ideas will apply to you because each of our situations are different. But have a read and see if any of them resonate or spark new ideas that you can use to help support your nervous system ease into deeper more restful sleep again.

Tip #1

To help your body unwind and learn how to sleep again, you can break the negative loop you’re in with some CBD oil in the afternoon.

To preface, I haven’t tried this, but my friend swears by it!

For me, I used a heavier pharmaceutical (Imovane) for sleep and didn’t think of CBD oil at the time. Pharmaceuticals are an option if CBD doesn’t do the trick. But it may be a better place to start given it’s a more natural alternative.

I am someone who is all about clean living and natural remedies, so I did NOT like having to use pharmaceuticals. But I was in dire straights and the consequences of going any more nights without sleep far outweighed any potential side effects on me or bub from taking the tablets (luckily we didn’t notice any). I also used it very responsibly - half the recommended dose for a few nights in a row. After that I only used it when I really needed it, with the goal in mind to move toward a place of never needing it again - which was successful! It got me through a really tough time when my body forgot how to sleep and I was barely able to function.

Now that I know about CBD oil, I have some on hand in case of emergencies. It feels more aligned because it’s natural, but I would still recommend the same responsible approach.

If you need something like this, give yourself permission to do it guilt-free.

One thing I have learned, which may help ease some stress and guilt is that it’s good to have ideals to strive for as Mothers, but to also understand that Mothering in this world as it is, without the support of village, means sometimes we have to sacrifice ideals for the highest good of our families and ourselves.

Our best effort is good enough. We have to do the best with what we’ve got.

I would also like to add that I had the support of my husband through this dark time. He was able to take over the settling while I had some nights on the spare bed to regenerate & see how my body responded to the medication. I also leaned on him in this way many times throughout my recovery.

Things to be aware of:

• If you’re from the USA, certain things are prescribed that aren’t in other countries which end up causing physical dependencies - making things ten times worse. So I recommend doing some research before taking anything to protect yourself from an unintentional addiction.

• If you’re co-sleeping just remember it might affect your responsiveness. So it’s a good idea to have someone do the sleep/settling for you while you see how your body feels on it. I found that I was still very responsive and able to safely cosleep or do settling whenever needed.

Tip # 2

When sleep deprived, it’s easy to make your whole day about catching up on sleep whenever your baby naps, or at night going to bed when your baby does. Sometimes this is needed, but sometimes this is a slide into depression and only reinforces the survival state - especially if you try to nap and can’t fall asleep despite being tired. This is a very frustrating experience to have.

To break out of that, something I started to do when I put my baby to sleep for the night was tune out to some feel-good movies - nothing heavy. This helped me take my mind off sleep, release the pressure around it and trick my body into feeling like it’s safe - because if we were in a true survival situation we wouldn’t be watching TV! It helped me unwind some of the tension.

An added bonus was my husband would be there with me so I’d lay my head on his chest to help me relax, and then I’d allow myself to enjoy the movie but also drift off to sleep so when we did go to bed, I was already drowsy and able to slide into sleep easier.

Tip # 3

During your baby’s day naps, instead of using them all to sleep, see if you can use some for self-care or something joyful for you. Again, this will help you unwind from the tense survival state obsessing about sleep, in preparation for a better nights sleep.

Some ideas: Do some yoga, take a hot bath and have a cup of tea, sit in the sun on the grass and just breathe, listen to some music or read a heartwarming book.

Physical movement is extra good because it will ground you and shake out some of that tension that’s keeping you wired at night.

Tip # 4

Ask your husband (or support person) to give you an extra 30 minutes alone before you put your bub down for the night so you can do your own bedtime routine. Maybe another bath, a nice hot chocolate (give yourself permission for some dopamine treats, even if you’re a health nut like me). This will enable you to settle your baby with calm presence, and then go straight into a movie night ready to surrender to the night! I also used this time to pray and recite some mantras.

“Dear God,

Please support me and my family to get the deep rest we need tonight. May you help us solve our baby’s sleep issues in alignment with his/her highest good, and guide us through this challenging time back toward thriving as a family again.”

Tip # 5

Give yourself compassion if you’re showing up messy during this time. You’re only human and you’re sleep-deprived. Just do your best, try to express vulnerably to family or friends what you’re going through, and ask for support from those you trust. Go easy on yourself. You at your worst is not a representation of who you really are.

Tip # 6

Let go of any expectations. Just focus on one day at a time and give yourself permission to do the bare minimum - it’s okay to have a messy house! The most important thing is showing up for your baby and yourself with what little resources you have. Everything else doesn’t matter right now. You can keep a perfect home and cook delicious meals later. Right now be kind to yourself, and try to nourish yourself in any way you can.

Tip # 7

Be aware of the stories you tell yourself about sleep. This certainly isn’t going to solve any problems, but I found that sometimes I’d have a rough night and actually be fine the next day, but because I had the story that if I didn’t get 8 hours of solid sleep I couldn’t be fine, then I wasn’t. I recently heard a “take” on sleep which said we are physiologically designed to be able to deal with a couple of wakes a night. This isn’t to invalidate any struggles with that but just to emphasize our innate resilience.

Tip # 8

Find a baby sleep consultant ASAP - one that aligns with your values, which not all of them will! We didn’t do this soon enough because we thought it would pass, but it didn’t, and by time we got the help we needed it was so much harder to rectify.

I have also written an article here sharing some of the things we learned which helped fix our baby’s sleep issues if you’d like to read.

Tip # 9

Lastly, if you just feel like it’s all too much, I found a place called Homb. See if there is anything like this in your local area. It’s a place where Mothers are Mothered. When I found this, I cried! I felt so moved that places like this existed - I had no idea. You and your baby go stay in this fancy place and get taken care of, and have someone to support you through the nights!! I didn’t know about this place when I needed it!

I hope some of these will help you on your road to recovery!

It’s a good place to start and then build off later.

Thank you for reading.

May you be blessed and supported on your road to recovery, and get the rest you need.

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I mean, they certainly wouldn’t say that about me. They get it.

And now I do too!

I felt so much shame and guilt when I realised, even though I didn’t need to.

But can you believe it?…

I used to show up and not bring any food!

And it didn’t even dawn on me to vacuum their floor!

…to do some washing, dishes or bring them water.

The things they couldn’t do because they were recovering, and all they wanted was to hold their baby.

This is another thing I could have offered,

to give them space to breathe in the shower for a few minutes!

Instead, I showed up empty-handed.

Even though I had so much I would have loved to have offered.

But it’s no one’s fault.

You don’t know until you know.

And sometimes Mums also don’t know how to ask for help.

Or how to express what they’re going through - they are still in shock.

Maybe they also aren’t used to receiving.

We no longer live together in Villages of giving.

As Maidens, we also likely haven’t realised what a loss this has been, something we too will one day need.

This was definitely me…

But now that I know, my desire is to show up when I’m in seasons of giving,

to make one more step back toward our long-lost village.

I hope that my writing helps the friends of new Mothers know how to make that step with me,

and that new mothers learn to ask & receive.

Thank you for reading.

May every Mama who reads this be blessed and receive the support and company she needs on this challenging but magical journey through Motherhood.

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This is the piece that’s been missing.

The village.

How can we cultivate our long-lost village, when we no longer live in close proximity?

Emotionally or physically…

I love my life, my family, and every day I get to spend with him, my littlie.

But every empty space throughout the day, I feel grief.

Sitting there, watching him play, we are together but we are alone.

In a World with so many people who can’t be reached.

Failed attempts to re-village even amongst family.

I feel lonely.

There are only so many home-making projects I can do to keep us busy.

The house looks and feels amazing, full of life, love & healing.

So I write. And I keep writing, sharing my soul, in the hope I can fill this rightful void in one of few ways this world currently allows.

But I also know that the way I handle my grief has the power to change this, it has done with everything else.

It’s just with something so big, it’s faith I must lean on.

Because I don’t see how.

But God has gotten us this far, and hasn’t ever let me down.

So today I go tenderly, focusing on what I can be grateful for.

I am so blessed.

I have a marriage that stood the test,

The honeymoon phase never left,

Mothering is my purpose,

I’ve never felt so fulfilled or content.

I have a close friend,

And my mum comes to visit when we she can.

I feel safe, loved and valued,

And get to overflow to my son,

Watching him grow, and, become.

So I’ll keep sharing my loving heart with the world, without any expectation for anything in return, while acknowledging my longing for the connection I know it can bring.

I’ll keep doing what I can to co-create with God, the returning to ourselves and each other again.

Instead, I express desires to God, show up in alignment with them, and stay open to receiving them if they are in my highest good.

I shared how my life has felt like a series of miracles ever since.

I feel inspired to expand on this…

Our culture has almost erased the distinction between Man and Woman.

But the truth is, we are completely different.

If Women act like Men (run on masculine energy), we suffer.

If Men act like Women (run on feminine energy), they suffer.

This is not something you need to take my word for either. We can explore these energies within ourselves and find out first-hand.

The only thing is, it’s hard to know when you’re suffering if you’ve never not suffered - suffering becomes normal until we experience the contrasting difference.

My experience with setting goals led me to suffering.

I would set a goal and immediately feel pressure to achieve it in a certain timeframe, which for me meant pushing, forcing, grasping, stressing, and then burning out.

When I set goals and didn’t meet them as soon as I thought I should, I’d feel frustration, anxiety, and down on myself - my self-worth attached to achievement.

When I set goals, I often had to sacrifice the truth of my expression to bend to my will, reality.

I lived out of alignment with my authenticity. With my highest timeline as a Feminine being.

None of this felt good.

Masculine energy fueling a Feminine vehicle doesn’t feel good.

Not the kind of good I’m now used to.

When I moved back into my Feminine energy, I had to let go of it all.

And when I did, my Husband instead, took it all on board - he now builds the vision he sets goals toward. He thrives in those conditions. He rises under pressure, with responsibility, and pushing through competitively.

When I finally let go, instead I got to flow.

I surrendered in trust, in my Man, and in God - instead of unconsciously trying to play those roles myself.

Like having a genie in a bottle, when I get clear on my heart’s desire, express it without entitlement, anchored in the openness to receive if only in my highest good, like magic, everything that is comes true.

Quickly too.

I speak my desire, and then it shows up, a co-creational mastery with the Universe that feels so good.

Letting go of goals has meant I get to lean into my heart, soften, and connect with my inner rhythms. Honour my emotions rather than push through them. I get to honour my truth free from outcome. I get to embrace rest and leave my head. I get to be in my heart where my children live, without them feeling like they are getting in the way of them.

I get to express high, and just see what happens.

I trust in divine timing & destiny.

All of which is a delight to my nervous system.

A stark contrast to pushing, forcing, competing, willing, soldiering, and ultimately trusting my ego over God.

But don’t get me wrong here.

What applies to me and many Women, doesn’t automatically apply to Men - like we’ve been trained to think.

The conditions we thrive in are completely different.

I’d also like to add, there is a key distinction between the heart and the head.

Feminine desire comes from deep within, undistorted by wounds or conditioning.

To reveal them, we must be able to hold sensation;

The grief of unmet longing.

That comes with acknowledgment.

Embodying an openness that knows I am worthy of receiving,

Despite all the fears that will inevitably creep in.

Can you feel the difference?

I was listening to Mark Zuckerberg talk to Joe Rogan about the future of AI and found myself feeling very sad and anxious for the world. He painted a vision of a future where the physical world is overlayed with a virtual world. A world where we play cards with a holographic deck, with holographic friends who couldn’t be there in person. A world where we can be having a conversation with someone while surfing the world wide web in our head, or having sidebar conversations with the inconspicuousness of not having to pick up a phone. I wonder if we will eventually live in empty boxes with holographic plants and AI-generated companions.

As a deeply embodied, present human being, and Mother, with a connection to God, I can’t think of a much more depressing future. It’s one I don’t want my children to be assimilated into.

Even without this AI overlay, the Western world is already struggling to stay present, with our current level of technology and the way society is structured - the fast-paced, high-stress environments, stuck in survival mode, with endless distractions. All of which pull our attention outside of ourselves and keep us locked into the mental world, or worse, dissociated from the world entirely. A recipe for disconnection with self, with others, and with God, leaving an emptiness when combined with a lack of awareness leads us to seek connection in all the wrong places, settling for the faux version of it.

My experience in the world because of this has been a very lonely one trying to connect with others who aren’t connected with themselves. Looking into eyes but seeing no one home. I feel very grateful when I find someone who stares back with presence and I can really connect with them.

In my eyes, AI overlay is just a step further down the path of disconnection that we are already on. If we passively go along with it as we have been we will eventually reach a point of no return - no way to find our way back home to ourselves, each other and God - our humanity. Without this, our species may survive in the base sense of the word, but we will be well and truly extinct.

This problem plaguing society has been fostered over many generations so that we cannot remember life any other way - we’ve even forgotten God exists. So many people are still debating biblical texts, arguing, and trying to find evidence that God is more than just a silly fairytale, or engaging with God from a disembodied dogmatic place.

If we look at the “primitive” tribes (I put that in quotations because I’d argue they are more advanced in many ways) that haven’t yet been displaced by civilisation, there is no question as to whether God exists - it’s obvious to them. They have even shared that their survival is due to this spiritual connection - the thing that I am talking about - the thing that the Modern world has lost. This connection to the divine that we so casually dismiss enables them access to knowledge and wisdom necessary for survival that cannot be found elsewhere.

I’ll share an example which leaves me in awe whenever I think about it. There is a tribe (I can’t remember their name or place of origin now) that know how to mix 4 different local plants (which are safe on their own) into a poison which if dropped into a small body of water makes all the fish float to the surface for easy fishing. This is not the kind of information you can figure out through trial and error. They gained this knowledge through their connection with “spirit” (aka God). Which to me, is like the spiritual version of Google - just a far more powerful version.

This brings me to the original point - if we had such a connection that offers powerful and profound knowledge, as it does these tribes, which can’t be found anywhere else, would we really need something like Google?

If we felt deeply connected with ourselves and each other, would we want Social Media?

If we felt connected with real God-given purpose that comes from village, would we continue to move further away from nature with technological advancement, or be driven to live closer to & in harmony with it?

…What other aspects of AI and technology have been (or are being) created to replace “the real thing” - to replace the things a spiritual connection offers?

There’s only one way to find out.

And it’s through experience.

Through turning away from everything that pulls our attention outward, and focusing it inward - God is not out there, “he’s” in here.

The great Religions, Philosophers and Mystics past & present have all written about this. About the journey back to ourselves, to God (aka spirit), with many overlapping messages expressed in different ways. It’s a journey that calls us to explore the true potential within ourselves as human beings, outside the box of limitations we’ve accepted as reality.

But how do we really do that?

How do we find our way back home to ourselves, and the unshakeable embodied knowing of God that renders intellectual knowing impotent?

It starts with the realisation that we’ve been conditioned far away from our own nature, just like a Lion at a Zoo, once King of the jungle, now prisoner in an artificial environment.

To find our way back is easy in theory - we systematically begin the process of questioning the beliefs and perceptions we’ve automatically assumed, and we see if they stand up as true by applying them in reality & observing the results ourselves.

Whatever moves us closer to thriving (by the heart’s standards, not society’s standards), is moving us closer to truth. Unfortunately, it is often the things that feel the most challenging or even triggering. And it is almost always the things that move us away from Mainstream society.

Even deeper than this, we learn to feel again.

It’s one of those things you can’t know until you know it - which is just how numb we’ve had to become to endure being led so far away from who we are.

This journey is one of healing, of de-conditioning, and of discovering the truth first-hand instead of being told what it is.

It is the journey of a lifetime.

One that will slowly turn the tides in the other direction, and create a real future for our children that we can be proud to have co-created.

I’d love to share with you that this is something I am very passionate about.

I am currently writing a book about my own journey back to God. I hope to show just how magic this reality is, and how magic we are as human beings.

I don’t know how long it will take me, being a Mum and all! It’ll happen when it happens.

But I have started - here it is.

It could take me a year to finish, it could take me five. Regardless, if you’d like to be the first to know, I’d love to share it with you when it’s finished.

Just pop your email on this: list

Thank you for reading

xx

Buy me a Coffee

But really, this is a story of “I can”.

Before I tell this tale, I need to share some backstory.

About 9 years ago, I made a conscious commitment to spend the rest of my life exploring and unlocking the highest potential available to me within every aspect of life. What I have experienced as a result is a level of thriving beyond my wildest imagination.

When I became a Mother, I had this same desire for me and my family, for each of us to thrive, but that’s not what happened. We faced some extreme challenges and fell into the pits of survival mode.

I started doubting whether thriving as a Mother and as a family was possible in this day and age. I started losing sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.

But a lesson I learned long ago was that the wholesome needs & desires written on my heart are God’s will for me - if only I can be brave enough to acknowledge whatever it is, claim it, grieve the “not having it”, and stay open to receiving it without expectation, all the while bringing myself back to gratitude for everything that I do have.

Quite an alchemical dance worth practising as this lesson proved once again to be true.

It was a long road to recovery for me and our family, but we made it through. Each day we showed up the best we could for our son, for each other, and for ourselves. Each day we dug deep, did the work, and moved closer to thriving.

I had lost myself for a little while there though, but when the trials and tribulations passed, which the presence of only deepened our family’s roots, there was this newfound space for myself as WOMAN to be reborn.

I knew that in order to show up as the devoted Mother & Wife I desired to be, and my son & husband deserve, I needed to breathe life back into ME, my WOMAN. If I lose her, then who is my son building an attachment to, the one that will pave the way for his future relationships? And who am I to my Husband?

So I had set out to master the dance between meeting my son, and meeting me. Attuning to him, while staying attuned to me.

This is when we started to thrive again. I found the space and the will for regular self-care again. I found time for hobbies like writing, scrapbooking, and gardening. My husband and I also made more time for us. My cup was full and overflowing once more.

This is when God presented my family with a gift - it felt like a reward for overcoming the hardest time in our lives, for making lemonade out of our lemons. He presented us with the gift of endless honey, and me with the opportunity to become a beekeeper. This was further validation for me that I’m on the right track, that there is space for me, that it is possible to thrive as a Woman, Wife and Mother - healing any old wounds and non-sensical stories that somehow I must be sacrificed for everyone to thrive.

Beekeeping is not something I ever thought of or considered myself either. I didn’t care one iota for bees.

Until one stung me on the bottom of my foot - that’s where this journey started.

Two days after the sting, a swarm of the most magical bees showed up at our house and chose us as their keeper. I have come to know that this is often how it happens for people - there’s something very mystical about bees.

I still remember their beautiful wings glistening in the dappled light as they made a home in our compost bin.

As I watched, I felt a mixture of fear (more potential bee stings in my mind!) but also AWE…It was quite a sight to see.

We didn’t know what to do with them at first.

As a few more days passed, I made the profound discovery that the bee stung me right on the heart meridian. I jokingly said that it must have stung me with a cupid’s arrow because I’m suddenly feeling very drawn to these bees. I started thinking I might want to keep them!

It wasn’t until my friend shared a wild synchronicity with me that this desire really anchored in. That’s when I knew God was at work here…

I also read up on the spiritual and biblical significance of bees and beeswax (they left us some). It resonated deeply and spoke to many threads that had been weaving throughout my life like magic.

The story my friend shared was that only a couple of days prior she picked a book off her shelf that she hadn’t touched in 8 years. She happened to turn to the page about bees and read a fascinating story. She said that a Woman got stung on the foot like I did, became fascinated with bees, and then decided to become a beekeeper - she also sold her own honey!

The seed was well and truly planted at this point…

It started feeling possible.

But, when I expressed this desire to my Husband, at first he wasn’t on board.

So I expressed my sadness about that from a place of acceptance of his decision, and to my surprise he said “Give me more time to think about it”. He had some logistical concerns with where we lived and wanted to do the “math”.

About a week passed, and he said “Yes! - Let’s keep them!”

I literally squealed with joy. He hopped straight online to buy us a Flow Hive to transfer them to.

As he did though, out of nowhere, the bees swarmed and flew away! The 38-degree day killed half of them, and the rest left to find a new home.

What a sick joke I thought! What’s the message here God?!

I felt heartbroken. A whole timeline of possibility just collapsed.

The timeline where I got to make my own labels and give honey to family and friends. Where I got to make beeswax candles and body products. Where I got to explore the health benefits of honey in its purest unprocessed form…

I mean, did you know that they found honey inside Egyptian tombs and it was still edible? It doesn’t spoil. That tells me it’s full of “chi” - it’s alive. It left me so curious & excited to explore within myself its potential to support postpartum recovery, and replenishing myself for future pregnancies considering just how much our physical and energetic bodies become depleted from such sacred work…

So yeah, I felt sad that I had lost the bees and that future!

But my husband surprised me and bought the hive anyway. He directed me to put some letters in nearby letterboxes to try and track them down.

I thought it was a long shot. But 5 days later, a lady named Sandra from house number 50 called and said she thinks she has our bees!

She did! We could not believe it!!

That same night a fellow beekeeper I only just connected with who lived 10 minutes away offered to help me collect them and bring them home! I felt overwhelmed with gratitude & also wonder as it all seemed to come together with such divinely guided ease.

Before any of the internal worry or resistance could come up, my husband said “go for it! I’ll take care of Austin, don’t you worry, I’ll even do the night routine if you’re not back in time. Go have fun”

In that moment I felt myself relax and open up to what felt like the COOLEST adventure of my life.

I remember putting my bee suit on for the first time and watching my bee mentor handle the bees, absorbing every bit of information my baby brain could, and gaining the confidence to do the rest myself back home. Watching her transfer the bees into a mini hive fascinated me. Hearing the calm low pitch buzzing was meditative. We stood there chatting for a couple of hours, waiting for all the bees to follow the Queen into the box. I felt so badass as it got past my bedtime (chuckle!). And even more so when we put the hive into the car and drove down the street wearing what looked like astronaut suits. Boy were there stares! It must have been a hilarious sight.

I still remember the feeling. I felt, and still do feel lit up by the fact I get to keep bees, AND I am a Mum - that I have the capacity to do both things. It didn’t take me long to learn the ropes either - how to tend to these struggling little bees while caring for my baby - now toddler. I felt so daunted and overwhelmed at first, but it has filled my days with even more wonder (Mums know there’s already so much wonder watching our magical little people grow!) and it has actually been extremely easy - a non-issue! Me and my son also now get to spend a lot of time watching them. It’s one of our many tools to regulate and ground ourselves. I can’t wait til he’s older and I can get him a kids bee suit and we can enjoy this hobby together!

It was touch and go for the colony at first. We wondered if they would survive after having to relocate 3 times and losing half of their population, but they did, and that felt miraculous too. My little Queen bee defied all odds with her eggs moving through the lifecycle at what I judged as lightning speed based on what I had learned on google.

The magic didn’t stop there either!

A few weeks passed, and my husband and I were chatting on our coffee walk about how much honey our hive would one day produce. When I realised it would only be enough for us and meant we wouldn’t be able to share much with others, or that this particular hive wouldn’t produce much beeswax, I felt quite sad, but still grateful at the same time. Two days after I expressed this to my Husband, I got a message out of nowhere from my friend as if she were telepathic!

She said, “Ashleigh, would you like a second hive - a traditional one? We have 3 and want to give you one”.

My jaw dropped. I could not believe it. Just a string of endless magical synchronicities.

I was filled with doubts and seemingly unsolvable hurdles about keeping a traditional hive, but my husbands said yes, you can have it, and I’ll pick it up for you!

My mind was blown. I never in a million years imagined I’d become a Beekeeper in the middle of suburbia on a rental property!

But I guess that’s the thing isn’t it - often God’s vision for us is far bigger and wilder than we could think of ourselves.

I didn’t even know it but I needed these bees. I needed this hobby. I needed something more for me.

In the process of accepting this divine gift and jumping in with both feet, I have expanded my capacity to receive and busted through old limitations. It’s yet another outlet to fill my cup so I can overflow to my family, and overflowing I am!

Thank you for reading!

May you be blessed on your journey & supported to expand your capacity to receive the things you didn’t know you needed, reaching new levels of thriving in life, love & Motherhood.

I see you.

I see the heavy heart you’re hiding, even from yourself.

I saw you on a Substack thread - you called yourself a Feminist.

I felt moved to write this letter to you when I saw behind the words you wrote.

Every word bled with anger, blame and outrage.

But underneath it, I felt unimaginable grief.

Trauma,

it does nasty things.

When all we need is to be witnessed, to be held through the painful things we’ve experienced.

We shut it down, bury it, and it becomes fuel for the false beliefs we then project.

I’ve been there.

Once a magnet for bad Men, I made that mean all Men must be bad.

And in a world like that, every word I spoke - a weapon in my hand.

The good Men ran, the bad Men fought back, and the weak Men bowed with empty hands - reinforcing the lie behind my unfelt grief, that all Men are out to get me, control me and make my life unrelenting misery.

I know from experience what lurks beneath.

A tender heart, breaking apart with righteous anger, misdirected, needing to be released as tears.

Trauma makes us lose faith.

In this case, in the kind of Man who could show us different.

But I’ve lived it, the other side.

The devoted kind.

He protects and provides.

Is firm but fair.

Strong but compassionate.

Speaks truth with kindness, he turns an inverted world on its head.

Beyond my ability to imagine, until I co-created him through my healing.

None of it was my fault, but this - this is my responsibility, and it. set. me. free.

The first year of Motherhood for me, made it crystal clear.

Despite building the strongest foundation over many years, within myself, and my Marriage, leaving us poised for the best chance of success in life, love and family…

Mothering without a village still broke me.

I experienced hell, sprinkled with the magic of heaven.

I came out the other side, thriving, but very aware that the odds were stacked against me, and that many are not so lucky.

For so many Women, part of her dies and the rest of her continues on auto-pilot just to survive. A sacrifice I chose not to bear, but instead writhed in agony and despair as I moved through the initiation alone, into an excruciating rebirth along with my newborn, a process once upon a time would have been guided by loving arms.

My heart showed me why.

It showed me the divine order that has gone awry.

Mothering with village is our long-lost birthright.

My heart aches when I witness myself in the brutality I experienced, my mind, body and soul shattering under the tortures of sleep deprivation, plunged into its depths straight after birth when I needed recovery most, months without reprieve. An endless marathon, showing up when I had nothing left. My husband and I collapsing under the weight of our new roles as parents, while trying to fill the gaps of our lost village.

We were never designed for this Lonely Island Society, trying to be and do everything alone, divorced from community, pretending we don’t need support when we really truly do.

All a result of social bonds broken by a world that attempts to keep us in survival mode, with little left to give to anyone but ourselves, understandably so.

I feel so much gratitude for those who showed up for us in the ways that they could, wanting to do more but couldn’t or didn’t know how. As people we’ve become burdened by our own survival, working when we want to retire, caring for others without receiving care ourselves, a negative feedback loop of empty cups, struggling to attune to ourselves let alone anyone else, which is now the natural state of this world.

Present to the way things could be, I often cry tears of grief for the way we all live, normalised as just the way it is.

Grief for the memory of me at my lowest. Face down on the laundry floor having a nervous break-down, buckling from the relentless distress, rocking back and forth crying out to God for help. I know deep down in my bones, with a village I could have avoided this.

My heart remembers the way it is meant to be…

Beginning with the devotional loop between Man and Woman, fueling the movement of mountains by him for her - her heartfelt gratitude, reverence and respect she gives in return. Her heart finally felt and shared with him because she is so safe and cared for. Her vulnerable nature exposed as the inspiration he always needed to move them toward their highest good as a family. A feedback loop that doesn’t fall flat when it meets community, but further amplifies, everyone’s cups overflowing.

There’s always someone to call, to make a meal, to help with the cleaning, to help us find our bearings, to catch up on rest. Currents of wisdom passed from woman to woman, no longer lost in an overwhelming amount of useless information.

Women no longer required to work. Unburdened by anxiety, decisions and the weight of the world, now carried by Husbands in devotion, so she can be fully present with herself, her newborn and her home.

Instead of life being about money to survive, or the meeting of our own long lost needs of childhood, life becomes a group effort focussed on supporting the next generation thriving. Giving from a resourced place of love, not obligation, guilt or low self-worth.

An ecosystem cultivated first from her and responsibility for her inner world, reflecting back to her in the Man that’s with her, providing protecting, propping her up, pouring into her, overflowing into their children, and out into the world, planting seeds that will one day grow into the village our daughters and granddaughters will need.

The seeds come from us - from the relationship we have with ourselves - the one and only thing we can control.

Our hope.

I chose long ago to be the change I wanted to see in the world and it has transformed my family. I have faith, having seen the power of my own heart and devotion to my healing path, that one day this kind of village I speak of will “come to be” and meet us, as we will meet it. I don’t know when it will be, but I know that one day things will be different.

I hope for it to be with my next baby, to remedy the terror I feel thinking about having to do it all again without a village. I don’t know that it will, but I do know that whatever is on my heart is God’s WILL, so even when it feels impossible, I will stay open to receiving, as hard as it is to sit in the discomfort of the “not having”.

I will accept what is, do the best with what I’ve got, and focus on what I can do as a Woman.

I CAN connect with my heart again. With what I feel, need and desire.

Without those answers I can’t meet myself or be met by others. I can’t have my cup filled, to breathe life into myself as Woman, Wife and Mother, I can’t overflow to my children and one day when it is my time, and I’ve put my world right, to the village.

I CAN learn to communicate in ways that can be heard - from the heart, free from blame, judgement, self-pity or entitlement.

I CAN commit to honouring my highest good and the highest good of all concerned with my best effort and intent, knowing I don’t need to have all the answers.

I CAN swap perfectionism for compassion, knowing I deserve it, that my best is good enough and can move mountains, that with a humble heart, all mistakes can be repaired and put right in time.

I CAN learn to ask for help and not make that mean anything about myself.

I CAN learn to receive all the gifts around me I have yet to recognise.

I CAN embark on a journey of evolution at my own pace and capacity, and see what is possible for my life, love and family.

All of these things may not seem like much, but the relationship with ourselves reflects in the ones we have with everyone else.

I once read somewhere that a fully fed Woman feeds the world - and that is our work - a ripple effect that will one day put our world right.

I would love to share, that having moved through this process myself, into a season of overflow, I feel joy that I can start giving back to the “village”.

I’ve started bee-keeping, of all things! It fills my cup, and will give me honey to share with everyone around me!

I have also started writing again, sharing my stories, my wisdom, and I am creating a Membership for Women! Bringing first-time Mothers together, a modern attempt to re-village. A space to connect, gain wisdom and support with everything I have just mentioned.

If you have resonated with my message, I’d love to connect!

You can find me here :)

Thank you for reading.

May you be blessed in every area of your life from this day forward…

xox

I had a dream, and now I see.

My heart opened up to me, along with so much grief.

May I share it with you?

I’ve longed to open up to you, I just haven’t known how, whenever I try it seems to come out so wrong.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve tried to pretend that I don’t need you. That I can do it all on my own.

That I can provide for myself, protect my own heart, keep myself safe, make all the decisions, solve all my problems, build a future for myself, and manage everything alone…

But the truth is, a whole year worth of sleep wouldn’t give my soul the rest it needs from trying to fill the hole left without you.

I am beginning to see how I have been trying to become you, but in the process have abandoned me - the part of me I realise you also need.

I am beginning to understand how I have pushed you away when all I want is to give you my heart, to show you me without all the facade. To feel safe enough to let go of my sword, my guards, and all of the things that keep you from seeing just how sensitive I am in my heart.

I am beginning to understand how I’ve taken your purpose by trying to do all of the things you need to do as a Man. How I have been living inside of a story that I’m alone, that I can’t count on you, instead of dealing with the grief of this being all I have ever known.

I’m beginning to see that instead of communicating my needs I’ve given you judgment, I’ve been demanding, and I’ve tried to control everything. Underneath it all is fear, and underneath this are tears - tears of grief I want to ask for your help to hold me in…

I long to receive all of the things you’ve tried to offer me but I was too blind to see. To let go of the heavy burdens I was never designed to carry, the same ones that break me, my dream showed me would strengthen you. I need your love, to fall into your protective arms. I just feel too vulnerable to ask.

But the part of me I abandoned is ready to flourish.

I want to be the kind of Woman who inspires you to be present, to live life with me to the fullest, and to do what you came here to do on this planet.

I want to be the kind of Woman you enjoy doing things for because you can feel me, you can feel my joy.

I want to be the kind of Woman who receives your words, your advice, your help, your yes’s and your no’s.

I may show up messy, and make lots of mistakes, but I am ready for your help if you’ll offer it to me.

I want to become my highest self and inspire the highest self in you.

I want to be the kind of Woman whose radiant soul fills our home with life and warmth when you get home.

In my dream, I saw your true power and how it is used in service. I’ve always sensed it, craved it, but I’ve been stuck in a story that it’ll be used against me.

I have felt such pain with the way things have been between you and me.

I feel lonely, anxious & sometimes depressed. I worry about everything. I am in my head and I have forgotten who I am. I try to be strong, but I long to be soft. To feel your strength and to feel me again.

I want to give my trust and faith in you as a Man without giving you pressure to be perfect. Instead of my judgment, I want to give you my heartfelt feelings.

I am so sorry that I haven’t been…I am so sorry for my part in this mess we’ve co-created.

I just feel so scared.

I have struggled to truly trust or let anyone in because of all the pain I am carrying.

But I am starting to work on it - on my depth - on feeling and holding myself in my tenderness again.

In my dream, I saw you as a King, and by your side I followed your lead. I didn’t question, I didn’t resist, I gave you my heart and you always considered it.

I’ve never felt such grief or such longing, but there’s part of me that just hates to admit it. To feel such vulnerability. And to risk such hurt, I’ve already experienced a lifetime of it.

But I’m ready to heal my heart. I want to start again, to see ourselves and each other with fresh eyes again.

I just feel lost and don’t know where to begin. But my best effort is where I’ll start.

I deeply desire to co-create the love I know we have inside. The kind that brings out the best in each other and heals us in stride. I am ready to experience something different, and heal the past behind. I am ready to learn how to love myself and love you, to show us both compassion, repairing the messes we make as we go.

I love you, I need you, and I am so sorry.

From the best in me to the best in you…

xx

If you resonated with this post and desire to deepen into your Femininity, learn to express from your heart and understand polarised relationships, I invite you to join my private Facebook Group.

This is the photo which captured the best moment in my life…. The moment my husband delivered our baby Austin into my arms at home. This is our story ❤️

Before I begin, I want to share that I normally feel a little nervous about sharing my birth story, it is very personal and it can be viewed as controversial. I have received some judgment for it. I know that judgment only comes from fear and care, but it always stings a little 🥺

Recently though I realised how much I also love sharing my story to those who are open-minded and want to hear it. It has opened up a new world for some and served as inspiration for others. So if you feel like a read, then I welcome you to!

If you haven’t heard of Free Birth before, the way I would describe it is that it is a birth which relies on the mother being deeply connected “with” and trusting “of” her own body and intuition - something I wasn’t always connected to, but spent years cultivating & now support other Women with as well. Free Birth requires that both Mother & Father take full responsibility for the pregnancy & birth. There is no medical intervention or presence at the birth unless there is a genuine emergency or something is outside the realm of manageable for the parents. Many free-birthers also choose not to do any medical pre-natal care/tests during their pregnancy. After our 8-week scan, we decided to opt ourselves out of all it after a case-by-case due diligence review. Some call this a “wild pregnancy”.

This all may feel scary, confusing and seem like a horrible idea if this is your first time hearing about it. There is a lot of fear around birth. I’ve felt it myself. So you might be wondering why we (my husband and I) chose this…

The biggest reason for me was that over the years I had heard so many hospital birth stories from Women in my life, and almost every story I heard left me feeling terrified of birth. I felt heartbroken hearing how deeply traumatised many of the Women had been by their experiences. Deep down in my bones this didn’t feel right, I just knew there had to be another way. This isn’t how nature intended birth to be. So I got curious. I decided I didn’t want to birth in a hospital, but I wasn’t sure if there was any other way. Even regular homebirths have medical presence and interference so I didn’t feel drawn to that either. But what else was there?

This is when Free Birth magically came into my “field”, and I knew from the moment it did that this was my calling. When I explored it I heard totally different birth stories. It was like I had stepped into a whole other reality and paradigm. What I heard was story after story of Women who had birthed outside the medical system having amazing birth experiences. Even when things went “wrong”, which funnily enough anecdotally happened a lot less, it was manageable at home with a bit of knowledge. And when it wasn’t, the hospital was there for emergencies.

What I discovered was that birth is perfectly designed, just like nature. The way I think about it since I studied ecology a long time ago is if we, for example, add a new species of animal into an environment, what happens? The whole ecosystem gets thrown out of whack. There’s a new species competing for another animals food & habitat, fast forward over time a cascade of changes to the environment has happened. Some species had to relocate, some died out, some became over-populated, and it even ended up changing the kinds of plants that grew there over a long enough timeline. The health of the eco-system had declined. What I’ve come to see is that Birth is no different. If we enter something into that intricate system (hormonally, or physically), then it’s thrown out of whack and causes a cascade of changes that requires even more intervention…

So we decided to protect our birth by not interfering with it unless absolutely necessary. Where many people feel safe in the hospital, I felt safe without it…

Here is how it all went!

I’ll start with my pregnancy.

I really enjoyed it!! I felt deeply connected with myself and my baby, and I spent 9 months resting, nurturing my mind, body and soul, and doing things I loved doing. I got everything out of my system before he arrived so I could more easily accept my role as Mother when the time came instead of longing to “do” or “be” something or somewhere else which I knew may come up for me!

I felt lucky to have this experience, and that I only had minor physical symptoms - that was until the end - then I was pretty over it. Lightening crotch was the worst 🤣

I had quite a bit come up for me emotionally though which was challenging but I was well equipped to deal with it as that’s my realm of expertise and my Husband helps me when I need it. I felt safe in my body and I had full faith my baby was healthy, would move into the correct position, and everything would be okay - It wasn’t wishful thinking, I could feel it as a “knowing” to be true. And I trusted my intuition would tell me otherwise if that changed. I did have moments of doubt but I always moved back into faith.

Anyway, at 39+3 or + 4 (I can’t remember 😅 - baby brain is legit) on a warm Wednesday afternoon I was in the kitchen when I felt water run down my leg!

I was in denial, surely that wasn’t my water breaking?! But I called my husband anyway who assured me - yes it was. We knew it could be hours before anything else happened so he came home when he could and I went about my day. We were both extremely excited. I kept thinking, is it weird that I’m excited? Should I be or is that naive? Well, I can now tell you the answer is yes to both! 🤣😭

When he got home we decided to treat ourselves to some Nando’s and went to bed at 4pm because we knew when the birth truly started we’d need the energy.

I remember being woken up at 2am with some intense contractions. This is when the nerves set in. It’s go time!!! So we got up, lit all the candles around the house I had pre-prepared and hung out in the loungeroom for a while.

I had no idea where baby would be born but I knew I wanted options so we had set up multiple possibilities around the house for me to move and flow as I felt my body moved me to. First I got comfy on the loungeroom rug in my man’s embrace. We sat there for hours, riding out the surges which started off easy, but started getting more intense and closer together. I remember initially thinking is this it? If so, this will be a piece of cake 🤣🧐

…When they were 2 mins apart we called our Doula!

By time she arrived I remember being unable to hold a conversation. I had gone deep within myself and focussed on breathing and surrendering to the pain, saying mantras in my head like “Every contraction is bringing my baby closer to me”. Eventually I moved to the bed and was being looked after with heat packs, coconut water and food. I was so hungry for some reason.

At this point I was really struggling and wondered how much worse was this going to get!!! I ate my earlier words and some panic set in 😬

Anticipating this struggle being a possibility though, I did have an earlier conversation with my Husband and doula asking them not to take me seriously if I ask to be taken to hospital for pain relief. In that moment I told them all I need is your empathy and encouragement to dig deep. Don’t let me sabotage the birth God has guided me to have! I NEED to do this!

It’s a good thing we had that conversation because when I reached the stage known as “transition” I was literally wishing death upon myself. It was absolutely torturous. This part I went into the bath for!! I didn’t know how I was going to get through it, and I later found out my Husband was unsure of that too, and quite worried but he didn’t let me see it. The pain was so intense that I was only present for a minute during each contraction and then once it was over my eyes were rolling in the back of my head and I was in some other world gathering energy for the next push. It felt psychedelic. I remember eventually starting to feel this weird sensation where my body had a reflex to push. So I started pushing with that reflex, supporting my body’s pace patiently, even though my mind wanted to do things differently to try and push things along. It was a real test for my ability to trust and surrender in every moment to my bodies intelligence rather than my minds fear and impatience. After 3.5 hours of him crowning and going back in I thought why is this taking so long!!! I kept praying in my head. I remember feeling check-mated into full surrender because I literally had no way out, there was only “through”.

This is when I felt the urge to change positions and things really got going. I stood up bearing down in the shower and I screamed….Throughout “transition” I made a lot of noise. A primal kind of noise I had no control over but seemed to help me move the baby out and helped with the pain. I’m surprised the neighbors didn’t hear me!

I remember being at war within myself during the process. There was this voice inside my head terrified something was wrong, overthinking everything, overthinking the decision to have no medical assistance and also taunting me with the certainty that I could NOT get through this. I felt absolute terror and despair…but there was the other part of me that had complete and utter faith everything was okay and I COULD do this. I leaned toward this voice and let faith fill my soul. Faith in my original intuition to free birth, faith in my body as a woman, faith in my man to lead, support and protect us, and faith in God who led us to this decision, and gave us this child.

Someone recently asked me, how did I manage it all, how did I manage the pain? The answer I shared was that I didn’t. That part of me who couldn’t do it died during labour, and the part of me that could was born. I found a new level within myself I did not know existed, and this version of me absolutely blew my husband away. The way he looked at me after that birth brought tears to my eyes. I had never felt so seen before. He said to me in awe… “I watched you walk into the darkest cave alone, with nothing but your faith, and come out with our Son”….I’ll never forget those words.

Things started moving quickly with the new position change but the shower soon ran cold so I jumped out and recreated the position with the birth swing in the hallway. This was where it all happened. The hallway of all places 😅

The moment I heard my husband say “I can see his head! His head is out!! He’s looking at me!!!” which was just after the ring of fire had me screaming in agony, all the pain disappeared…euphoria set in. I could feel the finish line.

That was actually what made this harder than it needed to be, “the not knowing”. It felt like it would never end. I had no reference points for any of this except the birth videos we studied together. But as soon as his head came out I was one more push away from his entire body sliding into my Husband’s hands. The blissful relief I felt was out of this world. Seeing my baby for the first time after my man put him in my arms cracked my heart wide open.

I remember seeing him and his eyes…They were just looking around. He was a big 3.9kg healthy boy - so awake & so peaceful. He latched straight away and drank for the first time. I felt a mixture of shock and absolute awe…soaking up the moment in its entirety. It was surreal. This is my baby. He’s here, he’s healthy and he’s safe just like I knew he would be. My world, OUR world, will never be the same again. I sat there for 45 minutes lost in his presence and the bubble of love before I decided to try and birth the placenta.

Now, this is the part where things weren’t so magical. It didn’t come out!!! But before I gave up, I went to get some rest in bed with bub laying against my chest and tried again every hour.

Eventually I knew something was wrong, it just wasn’t coming, and I couldn’t pee! I didn’t realise it but in the whirlwind of birth I hadn’t been able to pee in over 24 hours. So after a 15 hour long birth, and 10 hours of patience with the placenta, my husband made the call to ring the ambulance. I ended up being in a lot of pain which was ramping up, and I was at breaking point with that, with what I just went through and being without sleep for so long.

I felt so much fear. Having desired a free birth, my worst nightmare was going to hospital, especially after everything we learned through our journey down the rabbit hole of the medical system. I was genuinely scared but at the same time moving into a continual state of surrender.

We had gained a lot of birth knowledge and were equipped to navigate a lot but this was outside our scope. We also knew when something was a genuine emergency (which can often differ from the medical perspective)…so when my husband made the call to go I trusted his lead, and I although not ideal I felt reassured that there was no other way.

To my delight and surprise though, my transfer to the hospital went amazingly. Bub stayed asleep on my husband’s chest the whole trip there. It was all rather peaceful, not chaotic like in the movies. The nurses and doctors upon arrival were non-judgemental, and very supportive of our choices even if they didn’t agree. I felt scared but I was open and vulnerable about it which inspired a lot of care & respect. They read my birth folder and preferences which I had prepared ahead of time in the event of an unexpected transfer. And they gave us top-notch treatment - a room that my husband could stay in with us for two days while my bladder healed from being over-extended by 3 litres! They also removed my placenta after trying everything they could first, as I requested, before resorting to theatre. When they said we’ll give you an epidural in theatre my whole body was a NO for that! Can I have something else please? So they gave me anaesthetic. It was all over very fast and bub stayed asleep the whole time, ready for a feed coincidentally as soon as I got back.

To top it off I even had an amazing spiritual experience on the gas & fentanyl I ended up having to have for the initial procedures.

I remember being so high that I experienced myself as God. It literally blew my mind. In an instance I knew everything but then the next I forgot it all.

I saw through the eyes of myself and everyone in that room. I was everyone, everything. And I saw my life - past, present and future as a series of slides. With the realisation that it’s time to let go and surrender to the flow of my life because it is already “done”. I was free to trust in it and that I would be okay. To let go of control because it’s futile. That I’m just here to experience the “show” called Ashleigh’s life - if I choose to. Just like a movie. That experience touched me and I feel very grateful for it as it has stayed on my mind ever since helping me to surrender and trust “what is” even when I’m struggling or feel scared in other moments.

In the days of recovery that followed, I remember feeling so blessed. I had met the most lovely nurses, some of which on the down low, cheered me on for the free birth, because they themselves know what the system is like and they fully supported the host of other decisions we were presented with throughout our stay. No one forced or cajoled us into anything. I ended up writing the hospital staff a thank you card because I felt so grateful, and delivered it a month later. I was surprised that in all the haze and chaos I remembered some of them and they remembered us.

Anyway, later someone asked me if I were to do it all again would I do it the same way?

And my answer was (is) yes. Our next baby will be a Free Birth as well. The only difference now is that I feel more comfortable & safe using the hospital as a last resort if needed, and we may consider finding someone to have on call just in case we need a catheter & would prefer not to go to hospital for it.

Something else I learned through this experience was that enabling my body to go through its natural process was preparing me for Motherhood - especially the 4th trimester - something I absolutely was not prepared for. It was HARDER than the birth, and I had to lean on the same lessons I gained from the birth to get through it. It stretched me beyond my capacity, and to new depths I had never ventured even in birth. So I am grateful for this experience although not exactly how we planned it, for my Husband, my Doula, and everyone who supported me in what today considers a non-conventional way to birth….

..bringing me to the last thing I want to share. Which is - I had Women congratulate me on the way I birthed, and were impressed by the strength & bravery it took.

But what I want all Women to know is that they have this same “strength” within them too. I’m not special. We were born to birth. We’ve been doing it since the dawn of time. It is our gift, a rite of passage, and experiencing my own remembrance of this gave me a birth I look back on fondly. It obliterated any last fears I had, and has me ready to go again when the time is right 🥰

Thank you for reading my story, which was written over weeks, with one hand, while nap trapped by my baby boy Austin 🤣

Here is a photo of our little family…

Ps: It was absolute chaos having this shoot 🤣 We had a 10-minute window where he wasn’t screaming, and the dog had a freak accident where she tore her dew claw off in the rose bush next to us, and had to be rushed to the vet 🤣 #parentlife 😘

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